This Newfangled Packaging

The inspiration for this entry came after a gallon of blood, likely meant for a major organ, rushed to my head while I was bent over picking up uncooked macaroni off the kitchen floor. Bad form for sure, but I was not interested in style points after the contents of the Easy-Mac package rained across the linoleum. Thankfully the cheese, still in powder form, was safely in its vault. I say vault because it likely was as secure in its fortress-like envelope as the money I wish I had would be in the Wells Fargo down the street. I am quite sure I could not access either without a weapon.

So I can add Mac & Cheese to the list of packages I can no longer open without either a sharp implement or my 16 yr old son. That’s sad. Of course I’d prefer to blame new technology in the packaging industry that I am sure lowers costs and employs more welders. The alternative would be that the loss of dexterity means I am one step closer to assisted living.

The Oreos tray won’t slide out. Or when it does I can’t slide it back in. And forget about sealing it somehow after opening. The faux-plastic-packaging cannot be folded, twisted, rolled, taped, or stapled closed. What? You say there’s a resealable opening on the top of the package that doesn’t require sliding trays in and out? Where’s my glasses, I gotta see this.

Don’t even get me started on straws. Long gone are the good ol’ days of blowing those loose straw sleeves at your friend/brother/sister. Sigh. I guess they were hand packed by union labor in those days. Now the damn things are probably manufactured with that paper skin already on.    

Have you ever bought cheese that’s NOT  packaged in individually wrapped slices? Well I have. Now after I cut it open what am I supposed to do with this hoity-toity fancy brick of coagulated curd? I swear I have to use rubberbands, freezer bags and duct tape to keep it fresh. Or I’m forced to just eat the whole damn thing in one “tasting”.

(and what does all this say about my diet?!)

Now comes my favorite brand of water with some crazy redesign for their sports bottles. I suppose in an effort to eliminate small, round, clear, plastic spout covers from polluting the world, some brilliant engineer, named deSade I’m sure, developed some kind of kind of plastic, blue, locking mechanism.  When operated correctly, which is a one in ten shot by the way, you’ll undoubtedly embed a painful, plastic sliver under your thumbnail. And if you are unlucky and unable to rip it off entirely, then the spout will not open without vice-grips…or a 16 yr old son.

Are you having any success with those stacks of plastic coffee lids at your local QuikTrip? Have you ever extricated one without fondling six others? Then what’s the proper etiquette? Throw out and waste the ones you touched? Try to restack them and cover your tracks?  I just can’t stand thinking the lid covering my coffee may have just been manhandled by a Roto-Rooter guy after his bathroom break.

My solution pretty well defines why I’m broke. I just go to Starbucks and pay the extra three bucks for them to put one on.   


Close Menu